Pamela Stephenson Connolly
The Guardian, Friday 2 October 2009
I'm in a very happy long-term relationship. In the past I have had some difficult sexual experiences, including vaginismus and panic attacks, but my current partner has been wonderful and these things are no longer a problem. Now sex can be good, but it's almost always an incredibly emotional experience. I often can't face the emotional upheaval and have begun to avoid it. Is this the right thing to do? I want to satisfy my partner and for sex to be easier and fun, but I don't know how to make that happen.
Sex is often a highly emotional experience, especially when there is profound love and intimacy. But if that is new for you, it is understandable that you might be afraid of having such deep feelings. It also makes sense that besides love and passion you might also be feeling joy and relief that you are no longer experiencing difficult or painful intercourse. The source of your vaginismus has been removed, so I can only imagine that you must feel thankful as well. But if you become overwhelmed by all these feelings, do not withdraw. Instead, try to tolerate them. Practise identifying and labelling the feelings: "happy", "grateful" and so on, and get used to expressing them to your partner and others. When it all seems too much, immediately relax all the muscles in your body and focus on breathing deeply. Try to assuage your general anxiety via meditation, yoga, and/or physical exercise. And while making love, try to focus on the pleasurable sensations in your body. Sex will eventually become more fun.
• Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
• Send your own dilemma to Sexual Healing. Email private.lives@guardian.co.uk
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